Saturday, September 17, 2011


Today, White Bread Skating presents a brief history of the development in mobile phone technology throughout history, aided by photos of course.

Seen here we have the first mobile phone, aptly dubbed "The Brick", although it should've been dubbed the Michael Douglas due to how damn suave the mother fucker looks up there. Just take a look at that grip on the damn thing. Perhaps maybe the film Falling Down was a bit too radical for them. This is, however, incidental, as almost everything Douglas related can be traced back to the fantastic goodness of cinema that is the Kurt Douglas movie "Escape from New York", which, although I'm posting this from my phone, I can't be bothered to google when it came out. However, this cinematic masterpiece was made so far in the past, that unlike most movies where the futuristic date was 2000, or even 2010, this one, I believe, takes place in 1999. Although New York had not turned itself into a prison city as the movie suggests by 1999, we did have to deal with Smashmouth and The Baha Men, and isn't that worse?

In the late 80s, before Matthew Broderick completely and totally desecrated two 80s childhood memories (Inspector Gadget and Godzilla), Inspector Gadget, a man who himself is the pinnacle of technology, has a top secret "gadget phone" implemented in his constantly gloved hand. This phone seems to work amazingly, although it was implemented before the advent of text messaging. The only real problem I see with the gadget phone is, like Inspector Gadget himself, you'll be a completely forgettable franchise (or at least a fucking asshole) if you use one.

Twenty some years later, one Peter Smolik of Skate Mafia and Shortys fame led developers on a top secret mission to develop the worlds first gun phone. Seen above is a frame grab (stolen from Quartersnacks) from Shorty's Skateboards' 2000 magnum-opus "Guilty". Although viewers soon forgot the gun-phone's first test clip after a switch backside noseslide to salute on the infamous Cardiel Ledge and The Federalz took the screen, the only evidence in existence lies in those few moments of footage showing smolik and a friend standing in front of a connivence store accepting a call on the gun-phone prototype from one Gene Hackman, incidentally reciting a line from one of his appearances as Lex Luthor (no, Waka Flocka, not "That nigga Lex Luger"). Little is known about the individual handing Smolik the gun phone, or if his involvement in the project was just that. The project was eventually abandoned when Sammy Baptista accidentally shot himself in the left foot with the gun-phone, causing him to only skate switch from that day forward, and causing Peter to leave the Shorty's empire and begin building his own dynasty of forgettable team riders (save Jimmy Cao, Brandon Turner, Wes, and Surrey, who did the second best manual trick Hart has ever seen since some of Jesse Ward and Garrett Blair's maneuvers in Shred Heads). Regardless of questionable sponsorship changes, Mr. Smoliks gun-phone has yet to catch on, as if seems consumers would rather wait 6 months for an iPhone than 6 days for a background check for a gun-phone. Plus, the iPhone is 4g. The gun phone is only .30 cal, and doesn't even have wi-fi.

Only years later, fashion icon Derek Zoolander was spotted with a phone the size of a postage stamp. Not much can be said about this phone, other than the user himself believed to have been called by god on it before, and that middle-class America just now caught up to Mr. Zoolander 10 years later with the new iPod nano. Ahead of his time, and really really ridiculously good looking, Derek Zoolander is truly one of a kind. (Seriously though, Zoolander 2? Hurry up, I'd like to see it before the Masons win)

A top secret piece of mobile-phone technology can be seen being tested by Radric Davis (Gucci Mane La Flare) on the cover of his fantastic mixtape "From Zone 6 to Duval" (NOT Real Nigga Radio, as a Mr. Schendel La Flare would have you believe). This phone, dubbed the "Money Phone", seems to be a prototype. Developers claim that it's world wide release will have everyone saying "Hold my Money." Money phones have only been seen being used by Mr. La Flare himself, and the Bricksquad Research and Development team have recently scrapped the catch phrase "Hold my Money", and have gone back to the drawing board, which is strange considering some of the tags Gucci's DJs put in his mixtapes, but then again, this is a money making venture, not music, which has not been a money making venture since the 1815's.

Finally, it is with great pleasure to introduce this fine masterpiece of American technology. It is not often that me or The Mayor (take that, basic English) are graced with the ability to write such superb greatness.

The Mayor's own shirt phone technology has been sighted all over the metro Detroit area (seen above in Nick Cowserts garage in black). This cotton-phone technology must certainly be hard to master, as only Reed Morris seems to have been able to do so, and in multiple colors. The shirt phone itself can survive multiple trips through the washer AND dryer, although it doesn't handle bleach very well (although, what does?). Mr. Morris himself swears by the shirtphone, although some have been left to wonder, if his phone is touching his body, wouldn't that make him be able to reply to texts quicker?

(Seen here in yellow, and in Detroit, proving it is fully mobile and amazing).
Regardless of the ramifications of Text messaging, picture messaging, or even call waiting functions evident in my experiences with the shirt phone, it at least comes in many amazing colors (take that, iPhone, with your shitty black and white. This isn't a 1920's movie, this is real ass life.) and fabrics. I believe the other night I saw The Mayor accept a call on his shirt phone with a long sleeve sweatshirt, meaning not only is it available in many colors and fabrics, but in fact in many sleeve lengths. What the sleeves and fabrics have to do with service strength, I do not know at the time of this writing, however, Reed Morris is a truly G (gangster, for you suburbanites) individual, for he rolls with a normal cell phone as well. This second cell phone is superfluous, however, and one must wonder why he needs it, if he has a phone covering his person at most hours of the day. Drug dealers know.

In a fully ironic maneuver, this entire post was done via phone.

No comments:

Post a Comment