Thursday, December 24, 2015

2016 Predictions Prt. 1

Today is the day when I would normally post a Christmas montage. These montages are sometimes filled with semi-subpar skating, save for a few notable exceptions (Ryan Schendel backside nosegrind fucking Kerns while snow is visibly falling, Ryan Schendel lipslide to fakie no roll away turn 270 and stop at fucking Kerns, Ryan Schendel front blunt Kerns with snow on the fucking ledge, the fact that we used to skate Kerns all the damn time, Scott Sharba's switch backside wallride, caballerial off the curb line at The Wallride Spot, all of Ivan's tricks that ended up in his Babanga part, modestly including Allen's no comply 5-0 even though he fucking travelled [This may have been the moment that Mr. Dillard 'Jumped The Shark' into dangerous territory in one Adam Howard's mind]). 

However, with it being 55 degrees on the first day of winter, it just doesn't feel like Christmas time. Also, bruh, we're making a fucking video right the fuck now fam. See ya there.
Wear your longest, heaviest, and most precious fur. Word to Guwop.

However, because of recent correspondence with a fan of the blog, I have decided to give some sort of update on it's absence. So here it is, another listicle for ya. Word to Ride Channel. Hit me up if you want some more click bait articles. You can pay me in T. Hawks old stash of Fury trucks.   

10. Jet ski usage, lion statue stocks increase ten to possibly even twenty fold. 
I think it is safe to assume that the reader of this blog began skating at some point before 2010. With that in mind I must proceed, albeit with caution, the way 99% of the speech in the high school class cleverly named Speech begin:

PICTURE THIS : a world in which 50% of skateboarders are wearing a white t-shirt and brown corduroys. The optional headgear accessory include a beanie (preferably heather grey, orange, or some sort of strange, #veryrare color way, such as baby blue) precariously perched on the top of the head, possibly above the ears, but in no way performing the actual task that a beanie has been scientifically engineered in labs world wide for ; keeping the user warm or a vintage SnapBack. This portion of the skateboarding population dons half cabs, chuckka lows, Eras, the recently widely available Adidas campus vulc, or perhaps if you're #moneyman, Nike SB Blazers. The main component of these skateboarders is the shoelace belt (or shoolase balt, shout out to James Michael Lester). The other 50% of skateboarders are either rocking Corey Duffell attire or cuffing their pants to just below the knees, thank you very much Matt Hartzel, fashion icon. Shred heads of Doom and Mind Field had just come out recently, and a new generation of skateboarders were proclaiming Architecture in Helsinki, Animal Collective MGMT, and Passion Pit as their favorite bands of all fucking time bro, and I heard them BEFORE I saw those Skate Perception montages. 
It was a different time. Then came the very first Solo part, the very absolute first filmed in all HD, and this video part changed EVERYTHING as we knew it. What part was this, you may find yourself asking? 
This part would be Dylan. (This following period is NOT a typo). Over night, things changed, and they changed FAST. Kids were ditching their colored t-shirts and hopping into lines at Urban Outfitters and H&M. People would land a trick and hop their feet to the middle of the board. People were not, however, slicking back their hair and somehow frontside flipping head high over a hip with Ray Bans on the top of their head (this still does not compute, by the way). 
The main focal point though, and possibly most noticeably, was that people were now smoking Camel Blues.
It can be said that Dylan. put Dylan Rieder on the map and ingrained him into this generations mind. Overnight, Dylan went from that guy in MindField to a #icon, similar to the moment I still remember when I got a Twitter notification one day at work that stated @RyanSchendel is now following you, or when suddenly, mid day, Ryan Schendels texts to me appeared in blue and not green. It's difficult to remember the advent of such things, similar to how Bob Dylan. never said exactly when he noticed that the times were a changin'. He realized it after the fact. It is important to take note of certain quantifiable moments when everything changed. I can only think of three off of the top of my head: when Dylan. came out, when that kid's father was targeted to be killed by the ninja spies, but killed them instead, and finally, when I first learned of DJ Khaled's Snapchat.
If I know anything, it is that many people see someone being very successful at something and want their own piece of the pie. This happened with Fully Flared ledge combos up until about 2011, it happened when Dylan. came out, and this will happen once the Michigan weather turns to summer. The same way people saw the most easily accessible manner to posture as and feel like what they'd imagine Dylan. to feel like and began buying Camel Blues, lowering their cuffs to just above the ankle, and adding the prefix 'Waxed' to many things, including canvas and denim, I predict that many folks desiring to follow DJ Khaled. on the road to success will begin riding around on jet skis every single fucking day in order to feel like him. OR they will cop that young lieonnnnnnn statue, even though they don't want you to.

09. The line drawn into the sand becomes wider and more blurred.

This one is actually serious. Dekline Footwear, another skater owned brand, ceased to exist this year. They didn't reach out to Altamont Capital partners or whatever the fuck it is that bought a sizable portion of HUF and Girl/Chocolate/Fourstar/Lakai. One could say this might be why they folded. This leaves the viable shoe options that are not major corporations that have not always been involved in skateboarding (note that I did NOT state major corporations, Vans is owned by a major corporation, but have been in skateboarding since 1966. Fuck off.) Lakai, HUF, Globe, Vans, Sole Tech (eS, Etnies, Emerica) and DC. Circa (remember when it was C1rca?) and Oairs don't count, for obvious reasons : I stated viable. If I was going to state every shoe company you could theoretically skate in that wasn't Nike, Converse (Nike), adidas, or New Balan, I would add Airwalk, NSS, Airspeed or fucking Crocs before Circa and Osiris. You fucking could theoretically castrate yourself at home (word to Marshall Applewhite), but that doesn't mean anyone in their right mind is going to do that. Globe is flirting with this line itself. The line of self castration.
So anyways, with Nike and Coverse's pro/am/flow/pro & am flow team nearing, or quite possibly equaling the remaining shoe companies' entire teams combined, and only getting bigger and more powerful, what company is next to fold after Dekline, well, Deklined? Unfortunately, it makes me uneasy to say it won't be the brand flirting with becoming a Payless-Like brand, Globe, as they distribute 99% of the skateboarding products in the commonwealth of Australia. So that leaves HUF, Vans, Sole Tech, and Lakai.
If half of the people you see in videos wearing cuffed dickies and HUF Classics paid full price for them, HUF is fine and in no danger what so ever. Vans is obviously fine and thriving after their Propeller release (if you told me ten years ago this hypothetical Vans video would come out I would have laughed). Sole Tech could probably survive ten more years if nobody bought shoes from them from this day forth based solely off of their 2003-2009 hey-day of Callicut saws to 6th grade to high school girls, life of Ryan fans, and people who 'used to' skate. This unfortunately leaves Lakai, and unfortunately, 2016 could be the year that a company headed by fucking Mike Caroll and Rick Howard fails somehow. Some of you should be ashamed. Choose to support the brands that you would be upset if they went out of business, or don't fucking complain that Mariano left Lakai while you lace up your dope boy Cory Kennedy's.

08. Fashion downgrade
Legendarily, when Chris Cole got on Zero, Jamie Thomas allegedly would send Young Cobra Cole (what sort of grown ass in your thirties fathered a fucking child ass man would call himself that) gear that would mold him into the Zero image. One can only imagine that this will begin (and continue, mind you) to happen to new, up coming flow kids, or perhaps even to people switching their sponsors. What? Danny Garcia on Welcome? Quick. Once he gets his first box of boards, we have to overnight him these shitty polo hats and Dickies. Make him look like a 1990's dad on vacation. 

07. The last of the post-renovation pre-revamped Capital Park footage is used

Much like how all of Josh Stewart's videos had at least one old Danny Renaud clip from prior to his ridiculous plummet off of a building, I'm sure a lot of people still have a sick Capital line in the vault, waiting for the full length to come out. However, lately, although the plaza itself looks even better than it did in 2011, it's had a Securitas car parked there ever since we noticed it got a slight face lift. Bummer. Shout out to the chick eating fried chicken that punched Scott Bankey in the face. Wish I was there. Also, how the fuck did Bench Schwandt (@BenchSchwandt on #TheGram) perform 5-0 to switch crooked grind on that ledge?! 

06. Allen Dillard can flip his board again? (Perhaps).

As anyone familiar to the blog know, I've had ankle problems since 2012. They never went away after my first surgery, leading me to a second, in order to tighten a key ligament in my ankle and shave off debri in the ankle joint. Otherwise, if I don't, my ankle will give way. This means no more nosemanuals. As I type this, I have about three weeks of waking left before I go under the knife. I hope to be able to skate to my ability again, as well as, more importantly, not having ankle fucking pain all day every day. Cross fingers, toes, swords, and rolled golds for me.

5-1 coming soon. One in five.